There are many weight loss and fitness products around, and by now I’m sure you’ve already noticed. They are advertised online and in magazines, available in stores, and shown repeatedly in TV infomercials. Sometimes they may be supplements or pills, sometimes equipment or machines, and sometimes books or entire programs.

While the types of products may change, one fact remains consistent… the majority of them are complete crap.

This of course leads to one tiny problem. How are you supposed to know which are the ones to avoid? To help you answer that question, here are 10 foolproof ways of discerning whether or not a weight loss or fitness product is crap…

1. There is a celebrity involved.

If you see some type of ad for a fitness product, and there is a celebrity using it, endorsing it, or even just hanging around drinking coffee in the background… this product is crap.

It could be Chuck Norris and the Total Gym, or it could be Christopher Knight (Peter Brady) and the Ab Lounge… as soon as you spot someone who has their own Internet Movie Database page, you will know that this product shouldn’t be bought by anyone, anywhere, at any time.

2. The term “washboard abs” makes an appearance.

Nothing mentioning the phrase washboard abs in a serious manner is of any use to anyone on this planet. Really, as soon as any laundry-doing object is used to describe what some type of fitness product will do to your stomach, move on as quickly as possible.

And for the record, if your abs ever seriously end up resembling a washboard, seek medical attention.

3. It guarantees results in X amount of time, or when used for X amount of time.

If some type of fitness machine promises “the body of your dreams in just 6 weeks guaranteed” or a weight loss pill says you’ll “lose 30 pounds in just 3 weeks guaranteed,” then it is and always will be crap. Unless your dream is to look pretty much just like you do right now, you will not have the body of your dreams in a matter of a few weeks.

The same goes for those products that promise results if you use their product for an unusually short period of time. For example, a sales pitch that goes “In just 8 minutes a day, you can have the slim sexy abs you’ve always wanted!”

Really the only thing you’ll be doing during those 8 minutes a day is wondering how you wasted your money on crap.

4. John Basedow is involved.

John Basedow is a jackass. That’s all.

5. It’s available in “3 easy payments of $19.95.”

Well this one certainly narrows it all down, doesn’t it? If you are interested in losing weight, increasing muscle, or just getting in some form of better shape, and the product you think will help you achieve this goal costs “just 3 easy payments of $19.95,” now would be the perfect time to turn off the TV and run away.

Nothing available for 3 easy payments of anything will actually live up to whatever weight loss or fitness claims it makes. And yes, I feel perfectly fine lumping all of the “3-easy-payments” products into one category. Why? Because they are all crap. Every single one of them.

In fact, the only way any of these products could live up to their claim is if they claim up front to actually be crap.

6. It claims to chisel, sculpt, tone, define, firm or ::insert similar word here:: your body.

The words above don’t really exist. Well, they do, just not in the form they were just used in. See, they are not realistic verbs. They are gimmicky marketing verbs. Words used to give you this amazing picture in your mind of what you’ll look like after you buy this product. Too bad they are all also synonyms for crap.

Here are the things you can realistically do to your body. You can gain muscle. You can lose muscle. You can gain fat. You can lose fat. That’s it. That’s all. That’s the entire list of physical changes you can make. You can’t “firm” your “buns.” You can’t “tone” your “problem areas.” Those phrases are the epitome of weight loss and fitness crap.

Weight training increases muscle. A proper diet and/or cardio activity decreases fat. That’s all. If you happen to gain muscle, and then happen to lose fat, you will very likely appear to look more “toned” and “defined” and “ripped” and “firmed.” While they all sound pretty stupid in my opinion, they aren’t as bad when used as adjectives. However, any product that uses any of the above gimmicky marketing words as a verb to describe what it will do to you is complete and utter crap.

7. There is an asterisk next to a testimonial or before and after picture.

This occurs in print ads, web sites, and TV commercials. You have to look real close. You know that part when someone is telling you something like “I tried every weight loss program and product around. Nothing seemed to work. But then I tried Product XYZ and just look at me now! I lost 40 pounds in just 6 weeks!” …that is your signal to look closely for an asterisk at the beginning or end of it.

Did you find one? If so, look towards the bottom of the ad for the asterisk’s meaning. 99% of the time it will say something along the lines of: *These results are not typical.

Yeah, it really does say that. Of course, you do have to possess the ability to read the last line of an eye chart in order to actually see it. But to their credit, if you could clearly see this product was crap, why on earth would you still buy it?

8. There is any type of testimonial or before and after picture, period.

Okay, maybe not everything showing before and after pictures and testimonials is crap, but the majority of them sure are. Quick weight loss just is not possible. Without the aid of a chainsaw and a dislike of one of your legs, you will not lose 30 pounds in 3 weeks like supposed users of certain weight loss and fitness products claim.

I know, the pictures look amazing and the stories sound true. Here’s the thing though, they are lying. Faked pictures are as common as can be. And during the rare time when they aren’t lying, they are just showing you one extremely rare example (usually followed by as asterisk) of the results people have gotten.

If a million people lost 5 pounds, and one person lost 20 pounds, who do you think they will feature in the advertisement? But then again, it’s mighty hard to sell crap if you do it the other way around.

9. It’s a magazine.

You know all of those fitness magazines? Well, for the most part, they’re crap. The same goes for the seemingly hundreds of “women’s” magazines that always seem to have a headline on the cover such as “Learn how to drop 10 pounds in time for bikini season” or “10 tips to slim down those thighs.” It’s all junk.

I mean, at some point it is possible that the information contained in these magazines could be okay. However, there is a finite amount of actual useful weight loss information in the world. In fact, there probably isn’t even enough to fill one whole magazine, let alone every issue of hundreds of magazines for weeks, months and years.

What does that mean? Well, it means these magazines keep putting out the exact same information over and over again, just slightly reworded.

This issue might have “20 weight loss secrets” and the next issue might have “20 diet tips.” It’s just the same junk repeated over and over again with just a slightly different look to it. This time low fat is the way to go. Next time it will be low carb. Five issues later it will be low fat all over again.

Avoid seeking weight loss and fitness advice from a source whose only goal is to sell next month’s magazine.

10. It implies that hard work isn’t actually required.

If there is a claim that you can eat whatever you want and some weight loss pill will “do all of the work for you,” it’s crap. If it shows you something and says “just look how easy it is!” be sure to replace the word easy with the word crappy.

No matter what your diet and workout goals are, the honest truth is that it will always require hard work. Constant and consistent hard work for that matter. Anything that claims otherwise or seems too good to be true will be crap 100% of the time.

So then, what’s left?

After putting every weight loss and fitness product through this list, how many of them make it all the way through? Not too many, huh? Really it’s just things like free weights, or a treadmill, or a gym membership, or good food. These don’t fit any of the above descriptions.

But then again, if these are the only types of “products” that make it through, maybe these really are the only types of “products” you really need.

Today I came across an extremely popular weight loss forum that shall remain nameless. Like any forum, it had different sub-forums for different weight loss plans. For example, there was a Weight Watchers forum, a South Beach Diet forum, an Atkins Diet forum, and so on. But then, hidden away near the bottom, was a tiny little sub-forum called Calorie Counting.

This caught my attention because, if you haven’t noticed, The Lose Weight Diet is essentially a calorie counting diet. Once inside this barely alive sub-forum, there was really only one active topic. But what really caught my eye was the title of this topic. In this title, calorie counting was referred to as “old fashioned weight loss.”

Hold on. Time out.

old-fash·ioned (adj.)

1. Of a style or method formerly in vogue; outdated.
2. Formed according to old or obsolete fashion or pattern; belonging to or characteristic of times past;

Synonyms: obsolete, disapproved, extinct, not current, out-of-date, out-of-style, outdated, past, primitive, unfashionable

Wow, how interesting. So all this time I’ve been controlling my weight using a method that is not only old and outdated, but is also obsolete. Wow, who knew?

According to the geniuses at this forum, calorie counting not only no longer exists as a useful weight loss method, but it has been replaced by far more modern and advanced plans such as Atkins, South Beach and Weight Watchers.

Boy was my face red! Here I was basing my diet on a method that is extinct. That’s just like planning to ride a dinosaur to work tomorrow. I feel so… old fashioned.

Ok, enough sarcasm. The truth is the people of this weight loss forum aren’t, well, smart. Wait, that might not be the right word. Informed. Yeah, that’s it. These people just aren’t informed. Their entire knowledge of weight loss, diet and nutrition comes from advertisements, junky magazines and other people who are just as uninformed as they are.

See, this forum is how it all happens. One person with incorrect information gives it to someone, and this new person gives it to someone else. It’s like a virus spreading. One person somehow became under the impression that calorie counting was this primative/obsolete/outdated/old fashioned weight loss method that has been replaced by better ones, and now a lot of people are under the same impression.

The even bigger problem is that every person showing up at this very popular forum for the first time will likely decide to pass on calorie counting because so many people agree that it’s “old fashioned.” And if people on a weight loss forum are saying it… then by God it must be true.

As I’ve mentioned before, a person will lose weight when they end up consuming less calories than their calorie maintenance level. That’s it. That’s weight loss. Calorie counting is just the only way of knowing for sure how many calories you consume. It’s not a diet gimmick. It’s not a weight loss method. It’s not an idea or opinion.

It’s a fact.

Weight loss happens when you eat less calories than your body needs. The only way to know how many calories you’re eating is by counting them. Thus, calorie counting isn’t “old fashioned” weight loss. It’s common sense weight loss. It’s losing weight the most obvious way the human body was meant to. It also happens to be the safest, too. And not to mention, free.

So, is calorie counting “old fashioned” weight loss? Ya know what? Sure. It is. If you have common sense, dislike wasting money, time or effort, and prefer safe things to unsafe things, then my friend… consider yourself old fashioned.

Anyway, I better get going now, me and my Grandma are going to go sit on a park bench and feed the birds while we reminisce about the good old days of calorie counting.

P.S. Some weight loss and/or fitness forums are really good. Others though are really bad. Being popular and active doesn’t necessarily make it one of the good ones.

(Everything you read on this page is my opinion or the opinion of others.)

I am not a fan of John Basedow or his Fitness Made Simple product.

I’ve been thinking for a minute and I’ve come to the conclusion that there are really only two reactions you could possibly have to my above statement.

1. I totally agree!

2. Who is John Basedow and what is Fitness Made Simple?

Now you might be wondering why I didn’t have a 3rd reaction that went something along the lines of “Hey, I disagree with you completely. John Basedow is awesome, and Fitness Made Simple is extremely useful for anyone with the goal of weight loss or just improving their diet and workout.”

The reason I didn’t include this 3rd reaction is because honestly, I don’t think too many people would have it.

See, John Basedow is a “fitness celebrity.” That is the real serious term people (including himself) use to describe him. Bodybuilder? Nah. Personal Trainer? Nope. Diet Guru? No way. Fitness Expert? No again. He is a real life Fitness Celebrity. I’m not really sure what that means or even how someone becomes one, but I do have a strong feeling that one of the main requirements is selling a product via a commercial where you refer to yourself as a “fitness celebrity.”

In that case, John Basedow is totally a fitness celebrity!

Anyway, back to his products. He sells these workout and nutrition videos. The only reason I know this is because of the seemingly infinite amount of TV commercials that air every second of every day for the last few years.

These commercials air so often that I occasionally have nightmares where John Basedow shows up and tries to make me buy his videos. And that Fitness Made Simple theme song… words just can’t describe it. If you’ve never heard it before, be sure to turn your speakers up and visit his official site. Those lyrics haunt me.

If you went to hear the song, you probably also got a glimpse of John himself. If not, here you go…

(*NOTE* There used to be a picture in this spot, but the dude’s people have hilariously asked me to remove it. To see it for yourself, just go to his site or Google his name.)

There he is. For the first few years of Fitness Made Simple commercials, Mr. Basedow sported brown/black hair. Then one day to the delight of people around the world, he went blonde. The hair + the theme song = one super entertaining commercial. If you’ve seen it, I’m sure you agree.

But, I don’t want to talk about him too much. I’d much  rather talk about the weight loss and fitness videos he is trying to sell.

First of all, his website calls them “best selling workout and nutrition videos.” Excuse me, workout and nutrition videos? This guy is like straight out of 1983. I can understand buying some kind of aerobic type of video, but who the hell is buying workout and nutrition videos? I’m not even sure what a nutrition video is.

I’ve never actually seen the video, but I’d like to think that it’s him sitting in his kitchen going “…and now I’m going to eat some grilled chicken. Chicken is good because it’s high in protein. Hey, get a close up of this.” Then 45 minutes later, “And now I’m drinking some water. Water is good to drink. Try to drink a lot of it. If you have a sink in your house you can get your water right from there. See? Just turn the knob and out comes water.”

Really, what else could a nutrition video be? My guess is that it has to be John Basedow standing around talking to the camera as though he is teaching a nutrition class. And if I had to make a second guess, it would be that whatever nutrition information he is giving in those Fitness Made Simple videos can be found online on thousands of different web sites, for free. For example, this one. That assumes of course that it is actually good, high quality info he’s giving.

And the workout video(s)… clips of those are shown in the commercials. It’s just John Basedow in his Fitness Made Simple t-shirt doing bicep curls and crunches and saying things like “Don’t forget to breath” and “Squeeze at the top.” Yes, we’re talking really ground breaking stuff here. Once again, you can learn how to do bicep curls and other weight training exercises just as easily online… and for free. Heck, you can even walk into a gym and have someone show you.

Really all John Basedow appears to be doing is selling videos comprised of the type of information that is available for free all over the internet. Again, I’ve never seen the videos, but there is no information out there that can’t be found online at this point. There’s no magical secrets or hidden methods. There’s just what works and what doesn’t, and you can find all of that online for free.

In 1983 this wouldn’t be as bad as it sounds now. There was no Google then. But now? Now you can find whatever weight loss and fitness information you need online and for free. Not to mention, much faster than it would take you to “get your credit card ready.”

So, in my humble opinion, John Basedow’s Fitness Made Simple is probably not worth buying.

I’ve been working out for a bunch of years now, and for pretty much all of that time the exercise at the heart of my chest workout has been the bench press. This shouldn’t come as a shock at anyone. After all, the bench press is the agreed upon king of chest exercises.

What also shouldn’t come as a shock is the fact that the exercise most commonly requiring a spotter also happens to be bench press. The reason why is obvious. It’s sort of the only exercise where, if you can’t finish a rep, you just might drop the bar on your head/neck/chest and ya know, die.

I’ve also never had an actual full time (or even part time) “workout partner.”

If you combine the 3 facts above you should come to the realization that I, like many people, have been forced to have complete strangers at the gym act as my bench press spotter.

It should also go without saying that this has lead to many… what’s the best way to put this… I know… interesting situations.

I thought it would be fun to relive some of these “interesting” bench press situations with you, and I figured what better way to start it off than with the official #1 worst bench press spotter situation of them all.

About 3 months ago I was in the gym and ready to start my 4th, final and heaviest set on the bench press. To ensure I didn’t accidentally kill myself, I asked this guy for a spot. I’ve seen this guy in the gym all the time. We have sort of a “friendly nod of recognition” gym relationship going. This of course is when we nod hello/goodbye to each other on our ways in and out of the gym. We don’t shake hands or actually, ya know, speak. We both seem perfectly happy with the nod.

I seem to have a lot of this type of gym relationship going.

So anyway, he walks into the area where the bench press benches are and is about to pass me. We both nod “hello” as usual, but this time I also add in a point to the bench I’m using along with the sentence “Can you give me a spot?” He says “Sure.” We just had our biggest conversation of all time.

The next thing you know, I’m bench pressing. I was aiming for 6 reps during this set. Last time I only got 5 which makes 6 reps my goal this. The set was going well, I felt strong, my form felt good, I felt 6 reps was very doable. That was until rep #3. See, on rep #3… something happened. Something that has never before happened.

Something landed on my forehead.

Now, at that second, I had no idea what happened. All I knew was I had some heavy weight in the air above me and a goal of 6 reps. This was rep #3, so I had to go on.

The next thing you know, something lands on my forehead again. A second after that, something else lands on me, this time near my nose. I was only at rep #4 and half of my focus has now drifted towards what the hell is landing on my face.

I pressed on, though. I knew my bench press goal was to get 6 reps on my 4th set, so I had to finish. I wasn’t going to let whatever this strange occurrence was stop me. But then, during rep #5, it happened again… only worse. Now whatever it is that has been landing on my face during the last 2 reps just hit me in my right eye.

At this point I’m doing rep #5 with only one eye open. This has become more of a distraction than I can handle. I probably could have gotten rep #6, but I had to stop. I put the bar back on the rack and was done with this set. Whatever it was that was hitting me in the face and eye has ruined my 4th bench press set.

I sat up on the bench, turned to my spotter (who didn’t have to do a thing) and politely said “Thanks man.” He said “No problem.” It was at that very second that I finally realized what ruined my set, what landed on my face, and what hit me in the eye. What was it, you ask?

Sweat. My bench press spotter’s sweat dripped on to my face/right eye.

This is a true story, in case anyone is wondering. This dude honestly sweat all over my face. He even said “Sorry about the sweat” as though that was going to help at all. I had someone else’s sweat on my forehead, cheek and eye. I’m not a germa-phobe by any means, BUT I HAD SOME GUY’S SWEAT IN MY EYE!!!

So, for anyone looking for a moral to this story, here’s what I can give you. The next time someone spots you on the bench press and you felt they did something annoying or distracting in some way, remember this… the #1 official most distracting thing that a bench press spotter can do to you during a set is drip their filthy disgusting sweat into your eye. So if whatever they did wasn’t that… you have absolutely nothing to complain about you big baby.

Oh, and the secondary moral is to make sure your spotter didn’t just finish doing cardio 2 minutes before they spot you.

Tip 1:
Forget keeping track of what you eat. Seriously, who has time to count calories? Not you, that’s for sure! The same goes for protein, fat, and carbs. It’s a weight loss myth that tracking all of this diet stuff is actually important.

You’re a borderline genius, right? All you need to do is take an estimate of how much you think you may have eaten, and due to your genius-ness, I’m sure you’ll end up being accurate enough.

Tip 2:
Don’t exercise. It’s a waste of time… time that we already know you don’t have Mr/Ms Busy Person. You work, or go to school, or have kids, or friends, or a girlfriend/boyfriend… you certainly can’t find 30-60 minutes a day 3 or 4 times a week to workout.

“Exercise is good for your health.” “Exercise burns calories.” “Exercise will help you lose weight faster and easier and keep it off for good” Yeah, yeah, yeah. Blah, blah, blah. It’s probably all just marketing hype to get you to buy a gym membership. Plus, chances are your rough estimates of how many calories, protein, carbs and fat you’re eating each day are so spot-on and accurate that your diet alone will cause your weight loss.

Tip 3:
Take the stairs instead of the elevator. You already know you have no time for a real actual workout, so you might as well take the stairs instead of the elevator because we all know that a really intense 1-hour workout can easily be replaced by walking up 1 flight of stairs every other week.

Tip 4:
Buy low fat food. Forget calories, you know darn well that weight loss is all about how much fat you eat. Who cares how many calories or carbs these low fat foods have… they are low in fat and that’s really all that matters. Calories schmalories… less fat = weight loss.

Tip 5:
Go on one of those food-specific fad diets like The Cabbage Soup Diet or The Grapefruit Diet. As we all know, it’s a proven scientific fact that both cabbage soup and grapefruit contain magical powers that cause a person to lose weight.

You don’t need exercise, and you certainly don’t need any of those vitamins and other nutrients that these foods lack yet are still very important to a healthy diet. No, you just need foods that use Voo-Doo to make weight loss happen. A quick side note… I heard from a friend of a friend that cabbage soup and grapefruit originally came to this planet from Krypton. That’s the very same planet Superman is from. Coincidence? I think not.

Tip 6:
Is most of the fat you want to lose on your stomach? If so, forget making any changes to your diet. What you eat has nothing to do with getting a flat stomach and 6 pack abs. The true key to losing that stubborn belly fat is buying one of those ab machines you see advertised on TV all the time.

For just 5 minutes a day and only 3 easy payments $19.95, you really can get the body and stomach you’ve always dreamed of. Your diet has nothing to do with this in any way. It’s all about spending money on a fancy ab machine. Spot reduction is possible, and only these ab machines can make it happen. How? Don’t tell anyone I told you this but… these ab machines are also from Krypton.

Tip 7:
Drink at least 8 cups of soda per day. I know, you were expecting me to say water. But come on, seriously, water tastes like crap! I don’t know anyone who actually drinks this junk. Not only that, but I once heard that one of the ingredients of soda actually IS water.

So, by drinking at least 8 cups of soda per day, it’s practically like you’re drinking 8 cups of water. And not only that, but soda has no fat! Sure it has tons of sugar and calories, but let’s not forget it’s fat (not calories) that causes a person to gain weight, and soda has none of it!

Tip 8:
Buy different clothes and always wear black. You know all of those articles usually found in women’s magazines explaining how you can “look 30 pounds skinnier” just by dressing a certain way? These articles are genius!!! Why lose weight when you can just hide it?

That unhealthy out-of-breath-from-walking-up-the-stairs look is totally in right now. Who cares if your weight may eventually kill you, you’re beautiful on the inside, and those black clothes do a fantastic job of hiding your outside. Again, why lose it when you can hide it?

Tip 9:
Cheat! Cheat meals are the single greatest thing you can possibly do for yourself. Have one cheat meal a week, one cheat meal a day, one cheat meal an hour, who cares… just be sure to cheat! Cheating won’t ruin every one’s diet, just the ones who lack the will power to cheat properly. Hopefully you’re one of those kinds of people! Cheating from your diet and eating unhealthy junk foods you know you shouldn’t eat is the perfect way to keep the thought and delicious taste of these foods fresh in your mind.

Eventually if you cheat enough, there is a really good chance that some of you may just crave these foods so much that you’ll just fall off your diet altogether. If you’re going to cheat and have 3 cookies, you might as well cheat a little more and have 10 cookies. 3… 10… no big deal. It’s just a little cheat meal, and cheating never hurt anyone.

Tip 10:
Don’t follow The Lose Weight Diet. That stupid diet is only for people who want to lose weight safely, effectively and without wasting time or money. Now who in the world would want that? Not me, that’s for sure.

I want to do unsafe things like take weight loss pills, or waste time on countless fad diets and gimmicks, or better yet spend money on weight loss junk that no one actually needs. The Lose Weight Diet is for people who actually WANT to lose weight. Ha! No thanks.

Bonus Tip:
In case you accidentally skipped the title of this post, it’s called “10 tips to NOT lose weight.” So, if your goal is to get absolutely no results, to lose absolutely no weight, and to waste lots of time and/or money getting absolutely no where, these 10 tips are definitely for you. However, if you do indeed want to lose weight, you may want to try doing the opposite of everything you’ve just read.