Last time, I gave a brief description of the personal trainers at my gym. If you missed it, go read it now. I’ll wait.

All caught up? Great. Here’s a little story…

So one day, I was on the seated barbell press (military press), which of course is a shoulder exercise. But, that’s not really important right now. What is important however is the piece of equipment located directly next to this. It’s a machine by a company called Hammer Strength. Their stuff is fairly common in most gyms.

Anyway, this was the Hammer Strength Shoulder Press machine. Judging by its name, you know that it too is a shoulder exercise. Here’s what it looks like:

It’s very simple. You sit in it with your back against the pad and press those two black bars straight over head. It’s really just like any other shoulder exercise and machine. So far, so good, right?

So there I am barbell pressing about 5 feet to the left of the Hammer Strength Shoulder Press machine when all of a sudden I spot an overweight man and a red-shirted woman. I mention the red shirt because that is the official color the personal trainers in my gym wear. The shirts even say “Personal Trainer” right on them. I’ve never looked closely enough, but there may even be a name tag of some sort on the front as well.

And, as we all know, nothing says “I’m a certified professional” quite like a name tag.

It quickly became obvious to me that this was not an actual training session. This was a tour. They do this all the time. Someone joins (or is thinking of joining) and a personal trainer escorts them through the gym pointing stuff out and explaining things to them.

They seemed to be going from machine to machine while I’m assuming the trainer told the overweight man what muscle the machine worked, and how to properly use it. I’m not exactly sure what was said then, because I was too far away to hear/didn’t care.

That was until they stopped by the Hammer Strength Shoulder Press machine.

It was then that I was close enough to hear the fantastic advice this poor overweight man was receiving from one of my gym’s genius personal trainers. And boy was it fantastic!

The first thing I heard was the trainer describe the machine as “another great weight loss exercise.” That made me laugh. The guy must have mentioned that his goal was weight loss. Because of that, the personal trainer must just be adding the term “weight loss” to the beginning of every single exercise.

The overweight man, I guess being so intrigued by the machine’s supposed weight loss capabilities, proceeded to ask “What muscle is this one for?” I expected to hear an answer to that question within a second. I expected to hear “It’s a shoulder exercise.” The thing is, I never heard that.

Instead this personal trainer walked halfway around the machine trying to discern what in the hell it does. She was pushing things, and moving things, and sitting on things, and lifting things… all for the purpose of trying to figure out that the Hammer Strength Shoulder Press machine is a shoulder exercise.

After about 1 full minute of research, she finally had her answer…

“It’s a bicep machine.”

This is not a lie. This is not a joke. This is not an exaggeration. This is truth.

“This is a great bicep exercise. You stand like this and lift these.”

When she gave the above description, she was literally standing behind the machine. She had her chest leaning up against the back side of the back pad, and she was very awkwardly curling those 2 black bars that you’re supposed to be pressing over head. It was easily the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen.

But wait, it gets better. Seriously.

After she was finished explaining to this poor overweight man how the Hammer Strength Shoulder Press machine has magically transformed into the Extremely Awkward Hammer Strength Bicep machine, they went on their way to the other side of the gym to I’m sure show off some other great weight loss exercises.

It was then that I remembered something. Hmmmm. Could it be? Is it still there? I know it used to be there, but… it can’t still be there. No… it can’t be. Hmmmm. I took a 5 foot stroll over to the machine in question and walked around to the right side of it. I looked up slightly and there is was… just as I remembered it.

It was an 8 inch wide, 12 inch long, laminated sign. On the top of it, in huge bold letters, it said:

HAMMER STRENGTH SHOULDER PRESS

And right under that was a complete description of the proper way to perform this exercise along with a list of which muscle group(s) the exercise targets. It must have said “shoulder” on it about 15 times.

So, there you have it. Before you go out and hire a personal trainer, bare in mind that the personal trainers at my gym (which is one of the biggest fitness chains in the world, by the way) are apparently skilled enough to A) not know a shoulder exercise from a bicep exercise and B) not be able to read a giant sign that says “shoulder exercise.”

Stay tuned next time for more wonderful tales of my gym’s clueless personal trainers.

To the smarter percentage of the members of my gym, it’s almost common knowledge that about 75% of the personal trainers who work there are absolutely clueless. Clueless, by the way, is my really nice way of saying “big stupid idiots.”

You may be wondering how exactly a person such as this can become a personal trainer, especially one that works at one of the largest health club chains in the world. Here’s my theory… I’ve noticed that the really not-so-smart ones almost always possess the ability to speak a second language. I live in New York, which is a place where every other person seems to only be able to speak a language other than English. Combine these two facts, and the gym’s personal trainers are able to get more clients and make more money.

Good for them.

The only problem is, like I mentioned before, these trainers are pretty bad. Actually, there are different levels of bad. Some are good, some are so-so, some are bad, and some are just so bad there really isn’t even a word to describe it.

The reason I’m telling you this is because from time to time, I happen to be in the area of one of my gym’s personal trainers while they are in the process of training a client. What that means is that I am sometimes lucky enough to hear/see these people in action. They might say something. They might show something. They might do something. Whichever it is, it usually ends up being something that is just so bad, you really can’t do anything but laugh.

And, in the future, I would like to share these moments with you.

I wrote this post to sort of explain what the personal trainers at my gym are like so that in the future I won’t have to re-explain it every time.

I’ll relive the first of these moments with you in the next couple of days. It’s one of my all time favorites.

In case you missed this little story today, here’s what happened…

Katie Couric, the soon to be CBS Evening News anchor, had a picture in a magazine where she appeared to have lost a little weight. Reporters of this really important story estimate it to be a 20 pound weight loss. This is all pretty normal so far, right?

Well, it will start to get a little strange when I mention that this very same picture of Katie Couric was released a month ago, and in this version, there was no weight loss. Wait, hold on a second here.

There’s two versions of the exact same picture of Katie Couric. One picture shows her looking like she actually does in the really real world. The other shows her looking 20 pounds thinner.

Wow, it’s a weight loss miracle! Well, either that or…

But thanks to Photoshop, the popular editing software, the same photo, printed in a CBS magazine, shows her looking much, much thinner - and her suit has become a few shades darker.

“The picture was retouched without the knowledge of Ms. Couric or CBS News management,” a CBS spokesman said.

How wonderful. This of course warrants one tiny little question:

If something like this can happen for the sole purpose of getting you to watch Katie Couric on the CBS Evening News… how often do you think it happens for the sole purpose of getting you to buy a weight loss product?

There are many weight loss and fitness products around, and by now I’m sure you’ve already noticed. They are advertised online and in magazines, available in stores, and shown repeatedly in TV infomercials. Sometimes they may be supplements or pills, sometimes equipment or machines, and sometimes books or entire programs.

While the types of products may change, one fact remains consistent… the majority of them are complete crap.

This of course leads to one tiny problem. How are you supposed to know which are the ones to avoid? To help you answer that question, here are 10 foolproof ways of discerning whether or not a weight loss or fitness product is crap…

1. There is a celebrity involved.

If you see some type of ad for a fitness product, and there is a celebrity using it, endorsing it, or even just hanging around drinking coffee in the background… this product is crap.

It could be Chuck Norris and the Total Gym, or it could be Christopher Knight (Peter Brady) and the Ab Lounge… as soon as you spot someone who has their own Internet Movie Database page, you will know that this product shouldn’t be bought by anyone, anywhere, at any time.

2. The term “washboard abs” makes an appearance.

Nothing mentioning the phrase washboard abs in a serious manner is of any use to anyone on this planet. Really, as soon as any laundry-doing object is used to describe what some type of fitness product will do to your stomach, move on as quickly as possible.

And for the record, if your abs ever seriously end up resembling a washboard, seek medical attention.

3. It guarantees results in X amount of time, or when used for X amount of time.

If some type of fitness machine promises “the body of your dreams in just 6 weeks guaranteed” or a weight loss pill says you’ll “lose 30 pounds in just 3 weeks guaranteed,” then it is and always will be crap. Unless your dream is to look pretty much just like you do right now, you will not have the body of your dreams in a matter of a few weeks.

The same goes for those products that promise results if you use their product for an unusually short period of time. For example, a sales pitch that goes “In just 8 minutes a day, you can have the slim sexy abs you’ve always wanted!”

Really the only thing you’ll be doing during those 8 minutes a day is wondering how you wasted your money on crap.

4. John Basedow is involved.

John Basedow is a jackass. That’s all.

5. It’s available in “3 easy payments of $19.95.”

Well this one certainly narrows it all down, doesn’t it? If you are interested in losing weight, increasing muscle, or just getting in some form of better shape, and the product you think will help you achieve this goal costs “just 3 easy payments of $19.95,” now would be the perfect time to turn off the TV and run away.

Nothing available for 3 easy payments of anything will actually live up to whatever weight loss or fitness claims it makes. And yes, I feel perfectly fine lumping all of the “3-easy-payments” products into one category. Why? Because they are all crap. Every single one of them.

In fact, the only way any of these products could live up to their claim is if they claim up front to actually be crap.

6. It claims to chisel, sculpt, tone, define, firm or ::insert similar word here:: your body.

The words above don’t really exist. Well, they do, just not in the form they were just used in. See, they are not realistic verbs. They are gimmicky marketing verbs. Words used to give you this amazing picture in your mind of what you’ll look like after you buy this product. Too bad they are all also synonyms for crap.

Here are the things you can realistically do to your body. You can gain muscle. You can lose muscle. You can gain fat. You can lose fat. That’s it. That’s all. That’s the entire list of physical changes you can make. You can’t “firm” your “buns.” You can’t “tone” your “problem areas.” Those phrases are the epitome of weight loss and fitness crap.

Weight training increases muscle. A proper diet and/or cardio activity decreases fat. That’s all. If you happen to gain muscle, and then happen to lose fat, you will very likely appear to look more “toned” and “defined” and “ripped” and “firmed.” While they all sound pretty stupid in my opinion, they aren’t as bad when used as adjectives. However, any product that uses any of the above gimmicky marketing words as a verb to describe what it will do to you is complete and utter crap.

7. There is an asterisk next to a testimonial or before and after picture.

This occurs in print ads, web sites, and TV commercials. You have to look real close. You know that part when someone is telling you something like “I tried every weight loss program and product around. Nothing seemed to work. But then I tried Product XYZ and just look at me now! I lost 40 pounds in just 6 weeks!” …that is your signal to look closely for an asterisk at the beginning or end of it.

Did you find one? If so, look towards the bottom of the ad for the asterisk’s meaning. 99% of the time it will say something along the lines of: *These results are not typical.

Yeah, it really does say that. Of course, you do have to possess the ability to read the last line of an eye chart in order to actually see it. But to their credit, if you could clearly see this product was crap, why on earth would you still buy it?

8. There is any type of testimonial or before and after picture, period.

Okay, maybe not everything showing before and after pictures and testimonials is crap, but the majority of them sure are. Quick weight loss just is not possible. Without the aid of a chainsaw and a dislike of one of your legs, you will not lose 30 pounds in 3 weeks like supposed users of certain weight loss and fitness products claim.

I know, the pictures look amazing and the stories sound true. Here’s the thing though, they are lying. Faked pictures are as common as can be. And during the rare time when they aren’t lying, they are just showing you one extremely rare example (usually followed by as asterisk) of the results people have gotten.

If a million people lost 5 pounds, and one person lost 20 pounds, who do you think they will feature in the advertisement? But then again, it’s mighty hard to sell crap if you do it the other way around.

9. It’s a magazine.

You know all of those fitness magazines? Well, for the most part, they’re crap. The same goes for the seemingly hundreds of “women’s” magazines that always seem to have a headline on the cover such as “Learn how to drop 10 pounds in time for bikini season” or “10 tips to slim down those thighs.” It’s all junk.

I mean, at some point it is possible that the information contained in these magazines could be okay. However, there is a finite amount of actual useful weight loss information in the world. In fact, there probably isn’t even enough to fill one whole magazine, let alone every issue of hundreds of magazines for weeks, months and years.

What does that mean? Well, it means these magazines keep putting out the exact same information over and over again, just slightly reworded.

This issue might have “20 weight loss secrets” and the next issue might have “20 diet tips.” It’s just the same junk repeated over and over again with just a slightly different look to it. This time low fat is the way to go. Next time it will be low carb. Five issues later it will be low fat all over again.

Avoid seeking weight loss and fitness advice from a source whose only goal is to sell next month’s magazine.

10. It implies that hard work isn’t actually required.

If there is a claim that you can eat whatever you want and some weight loss pill will “do all of the work for you,” it’s crap. If it shows you something and says “just look how easy it is!” be sure to replace the word easy with the word crappy.

No matter what your diet and workout goals are, the honest truth is that it will always require hard work. Constant and consistent hard work for that matter. Anything that claims otherwise or seems too good to be true will be crap 100% of the time.

So then, what’s left?

After putting every weight loss and fitness product through this list, how many of them make it all the way through? Not too many, huh? Really it’s just things like free weights, or a treadmill, or a gym membership, or good food. These don’t fit any of the above descriptions.

But then again, if these are the only types of “products” that make it through, maybe these really are the only types of “products” you really need.

Today I came across an extremely popular weight loss forum that shall remain nameless. Like any forum, it had different sub-forums for different weight loss plans. For example, there was a Weight Watchers forum, a South Beach Diet forum, an Atkins Diet forum, and so on. But then, hidden away near the bottom, was a tiny little sub-forum called Calorie Counting.

This caught my attention because, if you haven’t noticed, The Lose Weight Diet is essentially a calorie counting diet. Once inside this barely alive sub-forum, there was really only one active topic. But what really caught my eye was the title of this topic. In this title, calorie counting was referred to as “old fashioned weight loss.”

Hold on. Time out.

old-fash·ioned (adj.)

1. Of a style or method formerly in vogue; outdated.
2. Formed according to old or obsolete fashion or pattern; belonging to or characteristic of times past;

Synonyms: obsolete, disapproved, extinct, not current, out-of-date, out-of-style, outdated, past, primitive, unfashionable

Wow, how interesting. So all this time I’ve been controlling my weight using a method that is not only old and outdated, but is also obsolete. Wow, who knew?

According to the geniuses at this forum, calorie counting not only no longer exists as a useful weight loss method, but it has been replaced by far more modern and advanced plans such as Atkins, South Beach and Weight Watchers.

Boy was my face red! Here I was basing my diet on a method that is extinct. That’s just like planning to ride a dinosaur to work tomorrow. I feel so… old fashioned.

Ok, enough sarcasm. The truth is the people of this weight loss forum aren’t, well, smart. Wait, that might not be the right word. Informed. Yeah, that’s it. These people just aren’t informed. Their entire knowledge of weight loss, diet and nutrition comes from advertisements, junky magazines and other people who are just as uninformed as they are.

See, this forum is how it all happens. One person with incorrect information gives it to someone, and this new person gives it to someone else. It’s like a virus spreading. One person somehow became under the impression that calorie counting was this primative/obsolete/outdated/old fashioned weight loss method that has been replaced by better ones, and now a lot of people are under the same impression.

The even bigger problem is that every person showing up at this very popular forum for the first time will likely decide to pass on calorie counting because so many people agree that it’s “old fashioned.” And if people on a weight loss forum are saying it… then by God it must be true.

As I’ve mentioned before, a person will lose weight when they end up consuming less calories than their calorie maintenance level. That’s it. That’s weight loss. Calorie counting is just the only way of knowing for sure how many calories you consume. It’s not a diet gimmick. It’s not a weight loss method. It’s not an idea or opinion.

It’s a fact.

Weight loss happens when you eat less calories than your body needs. The only way to know how many calories you’re eating is by counting them. Thus, calorie counting isn’t “old fashioned” weight loss. It’s common sense weight loss. It’s losing weight the most obvious way the human body was meant to. It also happens to be the safest, too. And not to mention, free.

So, is calorie counting “old fashioned” weight loss? Ya know what? Sure. It is. If you have common sense, dislike wasting money, time or effort, and prefer safe things to unsafe things, then my friend… consider yourself old fashioned.

Anyway, I better get going now, me and my Grandma are going to go sit on a park bench and feed the birds while we reminisce about the good old days of calorie counting.

P.S. Some weight loss and/or fitness forums are really good. Others though are really bad. Being popular and active doesn’t necessarily make it one of the good ones.