Halloween is a day when, for one reason or another, most people will come in direct contact with a large variety of food that they shouldn’t eat.

And it’s not just any food either. It’s junk food. It’s candy. It’s pounds and pounds of sugar and chocolate. It looks good. It smells good. It tastes good. Hey, I’ve eaten it before. It really does taste good.

And this food will be within your reach… all day. Hell, you will most likely have to pick it up and actually hold it in your hands while giving it away to the kids who ring your doorbell.

All of the above makes the probability that you will eat some of this junk food and candy quite high. The only problem with that is… you know you shouldn’t, and you know in the end, despite how insanely tempting it might be, you really don’t want to.

So, how exactly do you go the entire day without eating any of this wonderful candy?

Well, one group of people will tell you to go ahead and eat some. “Hey, it’s just one day out of the year, it’s no big deal.” And they’ll certainly mention that “As long as you don’t go TOO crazy, it’s good to reward yourself every once in a while, and Halloween is a perfect day to do just that.”

Thing is… I’m just not part of that group of people. I never have been, and I never will be. So if you want to hear that type of advice, find some other blog.

If you want to hear my advice, here you go… Don’t. Eat. Any.

Not a few pieces. Not one piece. Not one piece of a piece. Not one half of a piece of a piece. If you want to make it really interesting, keep written track of the number of times you really wanted to eat some of it, but didn’t. All night, keep updating the list. If you still have left over candy the next day, keep the list going then as well. Then, be sure to put this list in a safe place.

Now here’s where the fun comes in. Next Halloween, do the exact same thing. Once it’s over, get out the previous year’s list and compare the two. If you successfully go this entire Halloween without cheating from your diet, I guarantee that by next year, your list will be smaller.

Now I’ve never personally tried this myself. But, that’s only because I didn’t think of it until now. What I did do however was notice that by trying the “Don’t. Eat. Any.” plan of attack one year, every year after I have become less and less tempted by the candy.

This year when I’m giving out candy after candy, I might as well be giving out pencils or rocks. The temptation is just no longer there. I’ve lost interest in junk food. Some people may label me deprived because of my “Don’t. Eat. Any.” mindset. But honestly, how can it be deprivation if I have absolutely no desire to have any in the first place?

And at this point, this Halloween, that’s exactly what I’ve become… a person who just doesn’t have any interest or desire to eat unhealthy junk food on Halloween. And, by the way, I’m not just like this on Halloween. This is my everyday way of life.

Sure, it may not be for everyone. But honestly, the world would be a better (and healthier) place if it was. So, how can you become like this? How does it all start? Simple.

Don’t. Eat. Any.

Happy Halloween.

Are you ready for the newest weight loss breakthrough? What? I can’t hear you! I said… ARE YOU READY FOR THE NEWEST WEIGHT LOSS BREAKTHROUGH!?!? Well you better be… because here it comes.

Most people know that the average person should typically aim to lose 1 or 2 pounds per week. Well, what if I told you that there is a way where you can lose not 1, not 2, not 3, not 4… but up to 5 POUNDS IN JUST ONE DAY!!! That’s right. Not one month… not one week… one day!

Is this something you’d be interested in? I knew you would. But wait… there’s more!

What if I said that you can lose up to 5 pounds in just one day… WITHOUT MAKING ANY CHANGES TO YOUR DIET! What was that sound? Was that your head exploding at the thought of this amazing weight loss breakthrough? I knew it was! But hold on… there’s still more!

What if I said you can lose up to 5 pounds in just one day without changing your diet… and WITHOUT EXERCISING! If you still had a head, it would have just exploded. But wait… there is still more!

What if I said that everything I just mentioned above can happen… FOR FREE! And not only that, but it’s 100% SAFE as well!

Did you just die from excitement? I knew that would happen. If there is anyone still alive at this point, keep reading. I’m about to tell you how you can experience this amazing weight loss breakthrough for yourself!

In order for you to lose up to 5 pounds in one day (safely and for free) without changing your diet or exercising, there are just two requirements:

1. You need to have a scale.
2. You need to be able to tell the difference between day and night.

Sound simple? That’s because it is! Here’s what you do…

Tonight, right before you go to sleep, go get your scale and weigh yourself. Once you do it, write down what your weight was and keep it in a safe place. Again, the key here is to weigh yourself at night right before bed. Then… just go to sleep. IT’S JUST THAT EASY!

Now here comes the second part. This is where all the magic happens. When you wake up the next morning, before eating or drinking anything, go get your scale and weigh yourself again. That’s right, you are going to weigh yourself first thing the next morning.

…and that’s it! Did you see it? THE MIRACLE HAS JUST TAKEN PLACE!

You will have instantly lost up to 5 pounds over night. Sometimes it may even be slightly more than 5 pounds. If you weighed 200 pounds the night before, you will most likely be down as low as 195 pounds the very next morning. IT’S A WEIGHT LOSS MIRACLE!!! Enjoy your new body!

Public Service Announcement

Hello. What you just read was a public service announcement (and a joke). Its goal was to help educate the portion of the population that still doesn’t realize that weighing yourself any time of the day besides first thing in the morning is a very inaccurate way of tracking your weight. Especially if you sometimes weigh yourself in the morning, and sometimes weigh yourself later in the day. Doing so can result in you thinking you lost as much as 5 pounds. It can also just as easily result in you thinking you gained as much as 5 pounds.

As you can imagine, neither would be good. It’s not real weight or fat loss. This is just normal weight fluctuation that shows you weigh more at night (after eating and drinking all day) than you do in the morning (after not eating or drinking for the last 8 hours). It’s not progress or a lack of progress… it’s just normal weight fluctuation throughout the day.

Weight loss is all about making changes (through diet and exercise) and then accurately tracking the results of those changes. And, there is really only one time of the day when a person should weigh themselves when this is their goal. That time is of course first thing in the morning on an empty stomach. Not just this time. Not just next time. Every time.

If you plan on weighing yourself any other time of the day or weighing yourself at different times of the day each week, you might as well throw out your scale and just ask the guy at the carnival to guess your weight for you. Chances are he’d be just as accurate.

This has been a public service announcement. Thank you.

Last time, I gave a brief description of the personal trainers at my gym. If you missed it, go read it now. I’ll wait.

All caught up? Great. Here’s a little story…

So one day, I was on the seated barbell press (military press), which of course is a shoulder exercise. But, that’s not really important right now. What is important however is the piece of equipment located directly next to this. It’s a machine by a company called Hammer Strength. Their stuff is fairly common in most gyms.

Anyway, this was the Hammer Strength Shoulder Press machine. Judging by its name, you know that it too is a shoulder exercise. Here’s what it looks like:

It’s very simple. You sit in it with your back against the pad and press those two black bars straight over head. It’s really just like any other shoulder exercise and machine. So far, so good, right?

So there I am barbell pressing about 5 feet to the left of the Hammer Strength Shoulder Press machine when all of a sudden I spot an overweight man and a red-shirted woman. I mention the red shirt because that is the official color the personal trainers in my gym wear. The shirts even say “Personal Trainer” right on them. I’ve never looked closely enough, but there may even be a name tag of some sort on the front as well.

And, as we all know, nothing says “I’m a certified professional” quite like a name tag.

It quickly became obvious to me that this was not an actual training session. This was a tour. They do this all the time. Someone joins (or is thinking of joining) and a personal trainer escorts them through the gym pointing stuff out and explaining things to them.

They seemed to be going from machine to machine while I’m assuming the trainer told the overweight man what muscle the machine worked, and how to properly use it. I’m not exactly sure what was said then, because I was too far away to hear/didn’t care.

That was until they stopped by the Hammer Strength Shoulder Press machine.

It was then that I was close enough to hear the fantastic advice this poor overweight man was receiving from one of my gym’s genius personal trainers. And boy was it fantastic!

The first thing I heard was the trainer describe the machine as “another great weight loss exercise.” That made me laugh. The guy must have mentioned that his goal was weight loss. Because of that, the personal trainer must just be adding the term “weight loss” to the beginning of every single exercise.

The overweight man, I guess being so intrigued by the machine’s supposed weight loss capabilities, proceeded to ask “What muscle is this one for?” I expected to hear an answer to that question within a second. I expected to hear “It’s a shoulder exercise.” The thing is, I never heard that.

Instead this personal trainer walked halfway around the machine trying to discern what in the hell it does. She was pushing things, and moving things, and sitting on things, and lifting things… all for the purpose of trying to figure out that the Hammer Strength Shoulder Press machine is a shoulder exercise.

After about 1 full minute of research, she finally had her answer…

“It’s a bicep machine.”

This is not a lie. This is not a joke. This is not an exaggeration. This is truth.

“This is a great bicep exercise. You stand like this and lift these.”

When she gave the above description, she was literally standing behind the machine. She had her chest leaning up against the back side of the back pad, and she was very awkwardly curling those 2 black bars that you’re supposed to be pressing over head. It was easily the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen.

But wait, it gets better. Seriously.

After she was finished explaining to this poor overweight man how the Hammer Strength Shoulder Press machine has magically transformed into the Extremely Awkward Hammer Strength Bicep machine, they went on their way to the other side of the gym to I’m sure show off some other great weight loss exercises.

It was then that I remembered something. Hmmmm. Could it be? Is it still there? I know it used to be there, but… it can’t still be there. No… it can’t be. Hmmmm. I took a 5 foot stroll over to the machine in question and walked around to the right side of it. I looked up slightly and there is was… just as I remembered it.

It was an 8 inch wide, 12 inch long, laminated sign. On the top of it, in huge bold letters, it said:

HAMMER STRENGTH SHOULDER PRESS

And right under that was a complete description of the proper way to perform this exercise along with a list of which muscle group(s) the exercise targets. It must have said “shoulder” on it about 15 times.

So, there you have it. Before you go out and hire a personal trainer, bare in mind that the personal trainers at my gym (which is one of the biggest fitness chains in the world, by the way) are apparently skilled enough to A) not know a shoulder exercise from a bicep exercise and B) not be able to read a giant sign that says “shoulder exercise.”

Stay tuned next time for more wonderful tales of my gym’s clueless personal trainers.

To the smarter percentage of the members of my gym, it’s almost common knowledge that about 75% of the personal trainers who work there are absolutely clueless. Clueless, by the way, is my really nice way of saying “big stupid idiots.”

You may be wondering how exactly a person such as this can become a personal trainer, especially one that works at one of the largest health club chains in the world. Here’s my theory… I’ve noticed that the really not-so-smart ones almost always possess the ability to speak a second language. I live in New York, which is a place where every other person seems to only be able to speak a language other than English. Combine these two facts, and the gym’s personal trainers are able to get more clients and make more money.

Good for them.

The only problem is, like I mentioned before, these trainers are pretty bad. Actually, there are different levels of bad. Some are good, some are so-so, some are bad, and some are just so bad there really isn’t even a word to describe it.

The reason I’m telling you this is because from time to time, I happen to be in the area of one of my gym’s personal trainers while they are in the process of training a client. What that means is that I am sometimes lucky enough to hear/see these people in action. They might say something. They might show something. They might do something. Whichever it is, it usually ends up being something that is just so bad, you really can’t do anything but laugh.

And, in the future, I would like to share these moments with you.

I wrote this post to sort of explain what the personal trainers at my gym are like so that in the future I won’t have to re-explain it every time.

I’ll relive the first of these moments with you in the next couple of days. It’s one of my all time favorites.

In case you missed this little story today, here’s what happened…

Katie Couric, the soon to be CBS Evening News anchor, had a picture in a magazine where she appeared to have lost a little weight. Reporters of this really important story estimate it to be a 20 pound weight loss. This is all pretty normal so far, right?

Well, it will start to get a little strange when I mention that this very same picture of Katie Couric was released a month ago, and in this version, there was no weight loss. Wait, hold on a second here.

There’s two versions of the exact same picture of Katie Couric. One picture shows her looking like she actually does in the really real world. The other shows her looking 20 pounds thinner.

Wow, it’s a weight loss miracle! Well, either that or…

But thanks to Photoshop, the popular editing software, the same photo, printed in a CBS magazine, shows her looking much, much thinner – and her suit has become a few shades darker.

“The picture was retouched without the knowledge of Ms. Couric or CBS News management,” a CBS spokesman said.

How wonderful. This of course warrants one tiny little question:

If something like this can happen for the sole purpose of getting you to watch Katie Couric on the CBS Evening News… how often do you think it happens for the sole purpose of getting you to buy a weight loss product?