The Lose Weight Diet Blog

10 tips to NOT lose weight.

August 7, 2006
Filed under: Weight Loss — TheLoseWeightDiet @ 3:02 pm

Tip 1:
Forget keeping track of what you eat. Seriously, who has time to count calories? Not you, that’s for sure! The same goes for protein, fat, and carbs. It’s a weight loss myth that tracking all of this diet stuff is actually important.

You’re a borderline genius, right? All you need to do is take an estimate of how much you think you may have eaten, and due to your genius-ness, I’m sure you’ll end up being accurate enough.

Tip 2:
Don’t exercise. It’s a waste of time… time that we already know you don’t have Mr/Ms Busy Person. You work, or go to school, or have kids, or friends, or a girlfriend/boyfriend… you certainly can’t find 30-60 minutes a day 3 or 4 times a week to workout.

“Exercise is good for your health.” “Exercise burns calories.” “Exercise will help you lose weight faster and easier and keep it off for good” Yeah, yeah, yeah. Blah, blah, blah. It’s probably all just marketing hype to get you to buy a gym membership. Plus, chances are your rough estimates of how many calories, protein, carbs and fat you’re eating each day are so spot-on and accurate that your diet alone will cause your weight loss.

Tip 3:
Take the stairs instead of the elevator. You already know you have no time for a real actual cardio or weight training workout routine, so you might as well take the stairs instead of the elevator because we all know that a really intense 1-hour workout can easily be replaced by walking up 1 flight of stairs every other week.

Tip 4:
Buy low fat food. Forget calories, you know darn well that weight loss is all about how much fat you eat. Who cares how many calories or carbs these low fat foods have… they are low in fat and that’s really all that matters. Calories schmalories… less fat = weight loss.

Tip 5:
Go on one of those food-specific fad diets like The Cabbage Soup Diet or The Grapefruit Diet. As we all know, it’s a proven scientific fact that both cabbage soup and grapefruit contain magical powers that cause a person to lose weight.

You don’t need exercise, and you certainly don’t need any of those vitamins and other nutrients that these foods lack yet are still very important to a healthy diet. No, you just need foods that use Voo-Doo to make weight loss happen. A quick side note… I heard from a friend of a friend that cabbage soup and grapefruit originally came to this planet from Krypton. That’s the very same planet Superman is from. Coincidence? I think not.

Tip 6:
Is most of the fat you want to lose on your stomach? If so, forget making any changes to your diet. What you eat has nothing to do with getting a flat stomach and 6 pack abs. The true key to losing that stubborn belly fat is buying one of those ab machines you see advertised on TV all the time.

For just 5 minutes a day and only 3 easy payments $19.95, you really can get the body and stomach you’ve always dreamed of. Your diet has nothing to do with this in any way. It’s all about spending money on a fancy ab machine. Spot reduction is possible, and only these ab machines can make it happen. How? Don’t tell anyone I told you this but… these ab machines are also from Krypton.

Tip 7:
Drink at least 8 cups of soda per day. I know, you were expecting me to say water. But come on, seriously, water tastes like crap! I don’t know anyone who actually drinks this junk. Not only that, but I once heard that one of the ingredients of soda actually IS water.

So, by drinking at least 8 cups of soda per day, it’s practically like you’re drinking 8 cups of water. And not only that, but soda has no fat! Sure it has tons of sugar and calories, but let’s not forget it’s fat (not calories) that causes a person to gain weight, and soda has none of it!

Tip 8:
Buy different clothes and always wear black. You know all of those articles usually found in women’s magazines explaining how you can “look 30 pounds skinnier” just by dressing a certain way? These articles are genius!!! Why lose weight when you can just hide it?

That unhealthy out-of-breath-from-walking-up-the-stairs look is totally in right now. Who cares if your weight may eventually kill you, you’re beautiful on the inside, and those black clothes do a fantastic job of hiding your outside. Again, why lose it when you can hide it?

Tip 9:
Cheat! Cheat meals are the single greatest thing you can possibly do for yourself. Have one cheat meal a week, one cheat meal a day, one cheat meal an hour, who cares… just be sure to cheat! Cheating won’t ruin every one’s diet, just the ones who lack the will power to cheat properly. Hopefully you’re one of those kinds of people! Cheating from your diet and eating unhealthy junk foods you know you shouldn’t eat is the perfect way to keep the thought and delicious taste of these foods fresh in your mind.

Eventually if you cheat enough, there is a really good chance that some of you may just crave these foods so much that you’ll just fall off your diet altogether. If you’re going to cheat and have 3 cookies, you might as well cheat a little more and have 10 cookies. 3… 10… no big deal. It’s just a little cheat meal, and cheating never hurt anyone.

Tip 10:
Don’t follow The Lose Weight Diet. That stupid diet is only for people who want to lose weight safely, effectively and without wasting time or money. Now who in the world would want that? Not me, that’s for sure.

I want to do unsafe things like take weight loss pills, or waste time on countless fad diets and gimmicks, or better yet spend money on weight loss junk that no one actually needs. The Lose Weight Diet is for people who actually WANT to lose weight. Ha! No thanks.

Bonus Tip:
In case you accidentally skipped the title of this post, it’s called “10 tips to NOT lose weight.” So, if your goal is to get absolutely no results, to lose absolutely no weight, and to waste lots of time and/or money getting absolutely no where, these 10 tips are definitely for you. However, if you do indeed want to lose weight, you may want to try doing the opposite of everything you’ve just read.

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2 Responses to “10 tips to NOT lose weight.”

  1. Dan Says:

    I can’t thank you enough for all the truth’s you share, sadly though my opinion is if you really want to reach as many people as you can to help them, you need to write a book from this site, make an infomercial implying the most mystical weight loss diet ever, sell it for $49.95.
    sadly people are sheep of the system.

  2. Jet Says:

    How can I ever thank you for these totally awesome tips?! I am now very excited about embarking on a not losing weight journey. In fact just thinking about the thrill of listening to my arteries clog from junk foods and other nutritionally empty caloric delights is almost more than I can bare! Woo-hoo!! And hey, I saw an M.D. this past week about a knee problem that has been plaguing my workouts and interfering with my concerted efforts to lose weight (along with my balanced diet where I count fat, proteins, and carbs) and he looked me straight in the face and said, “Exercise will not help you lose weight. It’s diet.” Oh my gosh! Imagine my surprise! I thought the doctor was off his rocker when he said that but Wow! after reading your Tip #2 about not exercising — what a confirmation! So beginning this weekend I am going to work at breaking the habit of getting up early to exercise and I’m going to try and sleep in. Then once I do decide to get up I’m going to go furniture shopping for the most comfortable leather couch I can find, a big screen TV w/remote, and a couch-side refrigerator and snack machine thus launching my couch potato life. Sweet! I can barely contain my excitement at this point! You know, I almost feel guilty not paying you for your awesome advice!! (I’ll be sure to take a before and after photo of my non weight loss success and forward them to you in about six months, okay?) Chow! 😉